Austen Tayshus forms the Nobody Knows Anything Party

 Email this story

Print

2 Comments

Inspired by comedian Beppe Grillo’s success in the recent Italian elections, but deflated by his raging antisemitism, I have decided to form my own political party here in Australia. It will be called the NKA (Nobody Knows Anything Party). It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…writes Austen Tayshus.

Austen Tayshus and Margaret Gutman pic: Henry Benjamin

I will be running against anyone who stands in the way of a progressive, liberal and compassionate society. As the September election nears, I may have to narrow my target somewhat.

 My credentials are well known. In 2010 I ran against federal opposition leader Mr Rabbit in his electorate of Warringah. I was with the Australian Sex Party, a civil rights organisation with a somewhat misunderstood though not entirely incorrect reputation. The contest was close… very close. I demanded a recount, and received 2200 votes. Abbott got 55,000. I couldn’t understand it. After all, I had campaigned in the budgie smugglers, and from time to time completely naked. We even erected the ‘Abbott Proof Fence’ around the entire electorate, but as with the Australian Coastline, we couldn’t keep the unwanted out.

 Denied my rightful place in the House of Representatives, I returned to the barren wasteland of clubs and pubs and theatres around Australia. Politics is a seductive mistress, however, and I feel the lure of her siren song. This year I will be taking on Dr No once again. I have learnt many valuable lessons and will be applying them to a more successful campaign this time around. But this is not Italy, and Tony Abbott is not Silvio Berlusconi. The two men are as different as chalk and Cheezels. One dyes his hair and treats women as inferior objects. The other is an Italian billionaire.

 Julia Gillard is definitely not on my hit list. Sure, she formed an alliance to topple Kevin Rudd. Granted, she delivers speeches conceived by grey, faceless bureaucrats. True, she is a suburban lawyer prone to lust for power. However, unlike a lot of politicians, there is a sense that Julia could break free one day, that somewhere deep down there is that OTHER Julia who could unshackle herself in a second term and become the Robyn Hood of Australian folklore, robbing from the rich to give to the poor. Yes, that’s it! A sort of direct opponent to the Liberal Party, whose motto is ‘squeeze the poor so that the rich might one day feel a little more comfortable’. So far, the Prime Minister has been let off the chain just once, and look at what happened. Thanks to Julia, young Australians now know that Misogyny is not just a death metal band from Sweden.

 Right now the knives are out for the PM, and they are flying in from every conceivable direction: from the Murdoch press, to Fairfax Media, to her own party. The coalition parties, who can taste power like a shark tastes blood, are promulgating the hate, and it’s infectious. Even progressive commentators, who grew up with posters of Trotsky and Che Guevara on their bedroom walls (remember that?) are lining up to sink the Battleship Julia Potemkin. Labour is on the nose, and NSW Labour is a rotting fish.

 And now for the conservative viewpoint. She lied about the carbon tax. Imagine that, a politician deceiving the electorate. It’s unthinkable! It just goes to show what an unmarried, childless woman will do if she is given an inch of power. We’d be better off with Julie Bishop. Now there’s a chick you can count on. Not for Julie any of this namby-pamby NDIS rubbish, or mining taxes, or outrageous gun-to-the-head-of-business-carbon tax. Our Julie will do whatever it takes to hang Julia with her own parliament and install Tony as Sheriff of Nottingham. The coalition understands that economics is more important than life itself. What about the arts and sciences and education, I hear you ask? Don’t make me laugh with your weak Guevara posters.

 And now, back to the criminally socialist perspective. It’s now or never Prime Minister. Unleash the dogs of socialist hell before it’s too late. Mining magnates are paying almost one cent in the dollar tax. Why don’t we make it two per cent, whadya’ reckon? Take a leaf out of Vladimir Putin’s book. He listened to the complaints of Russian mining oligarchs. He listened very closely, and then he took their companies and turned them into state ventures. Now, I’m not saying we should do that to Twiggy and Gina and Clive. Communism doesn’t work, never has. But, by god, it would be great to see the look on their faces, wouldn’t it?

 Make the move now Julia or the battle is shot. We’ll have Tony as PM, Barnaby Drudge as deputy sheriff, and John Howard (not the actor) as Governor General. Malcolm Everywhere, the member for Wentworth, is the only Liberal Party candidate who doesn’t like strangling kittens as a way of improving the economy. As a weak-willed suspected leftie, he will end up with a minor ministerial portfolio and be fitted with a twenty-four-hour a day mussel, a la Hannibal Lector. And it will be ALL YOUR FAULT JULIA.

Austen Tayshush is the stage name of Sandy Gutman.

He will be performing his one man show in Melbourne at the Grand Hotel in Richmond on the 10th,11th 12th,17th and18th of April.

A beautiful venue, with a high quality dinner/show package…contact details

• tel. (03) 9429 2530
• email. [email protected]